LOSING MYSELF ON THE EDGE!

The matriarch sits on her thrown puking out her orders to all below!

My bare feet balance on the edge of a razor

Trying to balance my weight evenly

Thoughts and words throw my balance

Deeds and action make me falter

The razor slices through my arches

passing through my ankles

pausing slightly as 

my calves give way, like a hot knife through butter

At my knees the pain registers unrecognizably

I wait for my spine to be severed from my gut

The queen she speaks again, berating me for what I've done...

LOSING MYSELF ON THE EDGE

her bile in my ears 

her venom in my mind

I lean over and sever my spine

Death does not happen, I am only paralyzed

The parts I have left still betray my mind

Pain registers in phantom parts of me.

The bitches scorching words cauterize my mortal wounds

Her healing words demoralize my being

Her cancerous existence causes me to be benign

MY EFFORTS ARE LIKE ME... HALF ASSED!

IN HER EYES.

dollhairs and scents!

Dillatants and Debutants

Debate the finer points of fonts

Men and Women in resturants

and pubs

argue about who wears the puppet masters gloves

Money corruprts the doing of the deed

Money greases the palm that spreads the seed

Money is the reason for the power hungry greed

Money will help the destitute and those in need

Yet.....

Money money does not have the power to make the dead bleed!

All the while the future is forsaken in a moment of glory

It is the same old song and story

pants around ankles, skirts hiked high

he showed up ready, expecting her to buy

They could not proceed, no hole dug into

NO planted seed!

The Itchy Palm Shake

I had one of those moments that transport you back to who you were and how you felt years and , crap now i can say this...decades before.  WOW I was feeling great about writing this and then I said DECADES and the reverb in my head was on high...DECADES DECADES... uff.  Well anyway... I had one of "those" moments last night, as I shook an old friends hand.

Let's set the scene... 3 gentlemen sitting around a table in a storage area, boxes, canned goods, and 3 buckets of eggplant being pickled.  The smell was of olive oil, salt and hot peppers.  Jalapenos permeated the air mostly, but the faint vinegary smell of peppernchini's was wafting through the air too.

I greeted them, buona nota, good evening in Italian.  I am greeted back que' catso fi'!  I won't bother on the translation, it's not that nice of a greeting, more antagonistic than anything.  I apologize for my Italian spelling too, I can barely speak full sentences, let alone, write it.
The conversation floats back and forth between Italian and English some of the pickled eggplant is eaten, some spilled on the floor.

It was as two the the gentlemen left that I was transported.  The big guy, Tony, comes up to shake my hand goodbye.  He is probably 6'4" and has the torso similar to a barrel.  You know the type, that are collecting rainwater in old westerns.
His hand and arms match his body.  I placed my hand into his and he grabs my hand as you would for a normal handshake however, he slides his finger into my palm as we are shaking hands.  Now, if anyone has ever done this to you, you know it is one of the creepiest feelings in the world.  The first time he did this to me was 20 years ago.  I was 14 years old and being held onto by some creepy Italian guy who was fingering my palm.  It tickled and was an uncomfortable feeling.  Last night he did it again... I just laugh now, I almost expect from him. 
It took me back to when my hand felt smaller in his grip and my body looked like he could have squeezed the crap out of me with two hands, almost like a tube of toothpaste.  I oddly admired that man who spoke two languages, who forged a life in two countries, two continents, and who slid his index finger into my palm as we shook hands.  Funny, I never really thought that I would have a friendship with this guy and that he could still make me feel like a 14 yr old boy who's hand wasn't big enough to grip his hand.  Here I was last night getting the itchy palm shake, remembering who I was, who I am, and where I have been.  The last 20 years have shaped me in unexpected ways and at unexpected times.  I never really know when I might get perspective on life.  I just hope that I have the breath in my body, some clarity in my mind and, enough love in my heart to get it.  Whatever it may be!

Labor Day!

I labored today... I labored after I labored and lamented about my labor.

My day started with a restful waking to the sound of laughter on the radio. I decided that a run would be in order. I ran a penitent course ( Ben & Jerry Peach Cobbler) that included me sweating my pants, shirt, and socks wet.
I came home to find my youngest child in the front yard, still looking sleepy. "I'm hungry." Ohh crap in my haste to purchase 4 pints of heaven, I forgot to procure 1 or 2 boxes of cereal. Total Raisin Bran for me and Frosted Mini-Wheats for them. A trip to the store after a much needed shower.
Who's coming with me? The youngest is up for a shopping trip. Bread, cereal, peanut butter (Jiff), "dad it has to be the one with no peanuts, cause i don't like them...it tears the bread!" Juice 3 for 6$ what a steal... 52 $ later I hit the door...This was just for breakfast, what happened?
Home,breakfast,painting, hole patching, laundry,vacuuming, kids made lunch!, kids shampooed carpet in living room, kids moped kitchen, load dishwasher, painting, break toilet, painting, hole patching, brother made burgers, kids made fries, cooked frozen carrots, ate dinner, fixed toilet, washed toilet, attempted to move very heavy furniture, aborted the attempt, vacuumed, replaced furniture on clean carpet, more dishes, more laundry, some folding(doing laundry is just washing right!), clean up paint a bit, take kids back to their mother's house, make sure they have all the clothes they want, books they need, love... crap we worked so hard I forgot to give hugs and kisses. I tell them as they get out of the car and make the trek to their front door. "I love you! Thank you for all your hard work!" I get the greatest reward a parent can get. Three, 3, tres, I love you's back! They sounded so tired. I realize I don't have much longer for this. The oldest turns 15 in 5 days. OH MY BABY! I'm exhausted...HAPPY LABOR DAY!

Sweet Pain

KER-PLUNK the noise a huge rock makes dropping into a deep pool of water.

YOU can almost feel the sound in your stomach.

KA-BOOM the thunder and lightning that rips into the air.

YOU can feel it in your chest when you are in a dead sleep.

A PICTURE is all i have to remind my senses of you.
My memory is faulty and hurts me.

I want to experience you, your smell first. I want to inhale your essence like a warm summer night that has fresh cut hay sweetly wafting through the air.

I want to taste you next. Ooh the sweetness and the saltiness of your hand as i kiss it. The smell of your hair will draw me to your cheek. I will give you a wet kiss so I can lick my lips after. A barely there taste of foundation with a hint of perfume.

Finally your lips! Ooh those tempting lips. I see your tongue dart out to give them the right amount of moisture. i move in, you move in, my hands on your face for the first kiss your hands around me pulling me closer. i want you to pull me down on to you.

I feel so happy you look so happy, we don't stop kissing. it was like i was a hostage and u were waiting for my release, and our love was unable to do anything but pull our souls together.

"IT"

A peek inside my mind. Look at your own risk!

What is it about? LIFE LOVE HAPPINESS!?! Thoughts that I have, get tied up into other thoughts. I will be contemplating the unnecessary need for traffic lights and the stupidity of urban sprawl then…BAM electricity and solar traffic lights with solar street lamps and people mover sidewalks (like airports) that might help with congestion in crowded areas of the city. There are a million thoughts in my head. Airports! Flying, Air force, unmanned flights, Telecommuting, Internet video chats, Internet dating, Internet sex, porn sites…pause for a moment… How long do we have on this Earth? I think about how to make $$$ and spend my time. All of us or many of us would want to be engaged in fulfilling activities that truly enrich our lives. Motivation to do that for some is questionable at best. (i.e. Internet porn) I spend my time (almost all of it!) trying to make $$$. Which leaves me minimally fulfilled in the fiduciary and emotional departments. Yet, I do it day in and day out.

I hope for change and I know some people that voted for it. But like Billy Bob Thorton’s character said in BAD SANTA…” Hey kid shit in one hand and wish in the other. See which one fills up first.” Neither Hope nor legislators can effect change. Doing, is what, has an impact! Yet when I “do” my impact feels like the shit/hope smacking the sidewalk. How then, do I make effective impact? (Screech needle of record player slamming across record!) I spelled fiduciary without frickin’ spell-check! Now, I have lost it. Spellcheck is not a compound word. It is hyphenated or 2 words. Spellchecker is a word. What the hell?! Now I am shaking my head looking at some laminate flooring, thinking about pee stains that I have to cover. (from a dog that lived in my home before and a dog that lived in my home with me.) I have to buy more flooring, $$$ and fiduciary pop together with dog (in my head)…Bam! FIDO where does fido come from? Is it Latin? Does it relate to phylum, genus, species, crap? Oh Internet is down! I may never know! Ah, time to go to work and see where my crazy takes me. Sad thing is I still don't know what "it" is all about and got no further asking about it! That's what I get for talking to myself.